the best of Tony Stark (IRON MAN)

Wake up, Daddy's home. Welcome home Sir. Truth is... I am Iron Man. Mr. Stark please. Yes Dear? Can I have your attention? Absolutely. You're kidding me with the hand up, right? Is it cool if I take a picture with you? Yes. It's very cool. I loved you in A Christmas Story by the way. Labs all set up boss. Oh actually he's the boss. I just pay for everything and design everything and make everyone look cooler. You've been called the Da Vinci of our time. What do you say to that? Absolutely ridiculous, I don't paint. And what do you say to your other nickname? The Merchant of Death. That's not bad. I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one. To turn over the Iron man suit would be to turn over myself which is tantamount to indentured servitude or prostitution, depending on what state you're in. You can't have it. Is everything a joke to you? Funny things are. I'm no expert... In prostitution? Of course not. You're a Senator. Come on! Please no gang signs. No, throw it up, I'm kidding. Yeah, peace. I love peace. I'd be out of a job with peace. BLOW SOMETHING UP! I missed you too...Blow something up? I already did that. You never even hesitated. Look it's been a really long day. Like Eugene O'Neill long. So how's about we skip to the part where you're useful. I remember you do everything yourself. How's it working out for you? It's, it's... it's... it's... Let's go! Awe crap. Whatever. Is this forehead of security? What? See, Happy is hoping to get bumped up to Asset Management. He was forehead of security and before that he was just a driver. That was a private conversation. Hey! I thought I lost you back there. You did Sir. I hate to cut you off. Do you have your taser on you? Why? I think there's a gal in HR who's trying to steal some printer ink. You should probably go over there and zap her. Yeah. Nice. Stay down! We're good. You're right on me. We made it. I'll be close behind. How about a loose follow. Alright? Boundaries are good. Anything else boss? I'm good Happ...... I lost both the kids in the divorce. No. You're not the Mandarin. Are you? Are you? Put that hammer down. Uh yeah, no. Bad call. He loves his hammer. Multiple contusions detected. Yeah. I detected that too. How we doing? Good? Bad? Really really good. Really good. Do you plan on helping out? Dude. You're embarrassing me in front of the wizards. Umm... personality overview. Mr. Stark displays compulsive behavior. In my own defense that was last week. And if anybody, Pepper. Doesn't like it. There's the door. Prone to self-destructive tendencies. I was dying. I mean please and aren't we all? Let me just stop you right here, okay. Because if you say, "I" one more time, I might actually hurl something at your head. I think. I mean...I... Textbook... narcissism? Agreed. Jarvis. Drop my needle. He could destroy life on a scale hither to undreamt of. Did you seriously just say, "hither to undreamt of"? Are you seriously leaning on the Cauldron of the Cosmos? What kind of doctor was he? Ear-nose-throat meets rabbit from hat. I'm going to allow that. Big man in the suit of armor. Take that off what are you? Genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist. Hey Tony! I'm sorry this is the FUNV. The HUMDRUMV is back there. What is your job exactly besides making balloon animals? BOOM! Ratchet how's it going? It's Rocket. Take it easy. You're only a genius on Earth pal. Honestly, until this exact second I thought you were Build-a-Bear. Maybe I am. What are you thinking? Hey! I'm thinking I'm busy and you're angry about something. The Windfarm people. Don't say windfarm I'm already feeling gassy. Do you have the sniffles? I don't want to get sick. Stop acting constipated. Don't flare your nostrils. I need you to wear a surgical mask. Until you're feeling better. Is that okay? That's rude. Guys. Stop. We got to talk this through. It was a good talk. Manchurian Candidate you're killing me. And welcome to the birthing suite. How does Fury even see these? He turns. Sounds exhausting. I told you I don't want to join your super secret boy band. Uhh, you're welcome. Thanks for the pep talk piss ant. Sometimes I want to punch you in your perfect teeth. You lose this again. I'm keeping it. well what are we going to do now? You know what give me a break Steve. I just got hit in the head with a Hulk. I'm sorry. Earth is closed today. You better pack it up and get out of here. You're from Earth? I'm not from Earth. I'm from Missouri. Yeah that's on Earth dipshit. What are you hassling us for? You might have missed a couple things. You know. Doing time as a Capsicle. Well she did quite a spread on Tony last year. And she wrote a story as well. Douche bag. Whatever. The point is, thing change. Maybe Tony's right. Focus up. I'm sorry did I just mishear you? Or did you agree with me? Oh I want to take it back now. Oh no you can't take retract it. I will be reinstituting prima nocta. Is that Axe body spray? Yeah. I had a can in the desk for emergencies. Relax. Can we focus please? I'm going inside you. Medic! You guys, some help. Tony. Really? That's it? You just roll over, show your belly, every time somebody snarls. Only when I've created a murder bot. We didn't. Nobody has to break anything. Clearly you've never made an omelet. He beat me by one second. Yup. We're all kinds of stubborn. Where you going? What are you talking about? You have a big gun. You are not THE big gun. War Machine. It's Iron Patriot now. That's way cooler! No it's not. Alright. I've run out of patience. UNDEROOS! What the... I know what you're going to say. You should not be here. I was going to go home. I don't want to hear it. But it was such a long way down and I just thought about... And now I got to hear it. Dad went to 7-Eleven to get scratchers. I guess he won cause that was six years ago. Which happens. Dads leave. No need to be a pussy about it. Here's what I need. Previously on Peter screws the pooch... This suit is ridiculously intuitive by the way so if anything, it's kind of your fault that I'm here. What did you just say? I take that back. Do you have medication? No. Do you need to be on it? Probably. Why? Why? Because I said so! Sorry. I'm talking to a teenager. Hey May! How you doing? What you wearing? Something skimpy I hope. What the hell was that? Your fault. You spazzed me out. I better tell Aunt Hottie I'm taking you to the... You're going home or I'll call Aunt May. You're done. Don't tell Aunt May. Get me out of this. Sorry. I'll get that. Wait. You're guilt tripping me aren't you? I'm cold. I can tell. You know how I can tell? Cause we're connected. You okay? Yeah. Were you heading for me or him? I was trying to scare him. Cause I can't tell! Yikes. He doesn't like to be handed things. Yeah, I have a peeve. I got it. We need you to look this over. I don't like being handed things. That's fine cause I love to be handed things. So let's trade. Thank you. She'll take both. One to throw away and one to not call. Uuh I don't like people handing me things. If you could just drop that there that would be great. You know the question I get asked most often is, Tony, how do you go to the bathroom in this suit? Just like that. I'm going to say this once. How bout nonce? Shut it down! Goldstein. Yes, Mr. Stark? Give me a phat beat to beat my buddy's ass to. I told you to shut it down. You have no idea what you're dealing with. Uh. Shakespeare in the park? Do you get it? I see that cause it's on your t-shirt. Ultron killed Strucker. And he did a Banksy at the crime scene. Just for us. Tony Stark is in my van. No he's not. Are you yawning? Did you just nod off? Hey! Oh! And a lovely speedboat. Are you actively napping? In the middle of this while I'm breaking it down? Huh? Did you hear what I said? I stopped listening after you said that we need a plan. Okay. Mr. Clean is on his own page. Hey! Forest. Hey. Ringo. Hey uh, ponytail express. Hey. Butterfingers. Doth mother know you wear-eth her drapes? Woah, woah, woah. C'mon. Use your words buddy. Right in the back? Dick move Banner. Ow! Hey! Nothing? Are you nuts? Jury's out. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster. You really have got a lid on it haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow Jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed? I'm sorry. You want me to help you put Jarvis into this thing? No. Of course not. I want to help you put Jarvis into this thing. No. You have to trust me. I kind of don't. What's going on here? Let's face it. This is not the worse thing you've caught me doing. Security breach. It's on you. Phil. Come in. Phil? Why is he Phil? Uh, his first name is agent. Did you just make that? Yeah. Where do you think I've been for three hours? Yes, for the moment I'm not dying. Thank you. What do you mean you're not dying? Did you just say you're dying? That you? Uh no. I'm not. Not anymore. What? Oh what you mad at me? I can't take this. What do you mean? Look at me! You really were dying? You didn't let me. Why didn't you tell me that? I was going to make you an omelet and tell you. Are you out of your mind?! Better security. I was attacked! I think I did ok. It's completely harmless. I didn't expect that. For lack of a better option Dummy is still on fire safety. If you douse me again and I'm not on fire, I'm donating you to a city college. I swear to God I'll dismantle you. I'll soak your motherboard. I'll turn you into a wine rack. Dummy. Hi Dummy. How did you get that cap on your head, you earned it. Good boy. Okay. Did you ever see this really old movie Aliens? I don't want another single pop culture reference out of you for the rest of the trip. Do you understand? You ever see that really old movie Empire Strikes Back? Jesus Tony. How old is this guy? I don't know I didn't carbon date him. He's on the young side. I'm fifteen. No. This is where you zip it. Alright. The adults is talking. I'm backup. No. You're a stowaway. The adults are talking. How's he doing? Unfortunately he's still Barton. That's terrible. That man has no regard for lawn maintenance. No hard feelings Point Break. You got a mean swing. I get first crack at the big guy. Iron Man's the one he's waiting for. That's true. He hates you the most. I've also prepared a safety briefing for you to entirely ignore. Which I will. You have met him I assume. Yeah. Sir Laurence Oblivier. There's some people I'd like to roll on. Here's how it works Meryl Streep. I tried to play ball with these ass clowns. F*ck you Mr. Stark. F*ck you buddy. We're adjourned for the day. Okay. You've been a delight. You seem a little defensive. Don't take from my pile. Still, you are pretty spry for an older fellow. Is your gun up? Yup. what do I do? Stay on my six. cover high and don't shoot me in the back. Six. High. Back. Alright. Stark is... He's a sickness. Awe Junior. You're gonna break your old man's heart. Have you been juicing? You're looking... I don't want to say puffy. Hey! He means get lost Squidward. What is this guys problem Mr. Stark? He's from space. He came here to steal a necklace from a wizard. If all we come at him is a plucky attitude. Dude. Don't call us plucky. We don't know what it means. And I swore off dairy. But then Ben & Jerry's named a flavor after me so. Stark Raving Hazelnuts. It's not bad. A bit chalky. Shit. shit. What are doing up little miss? Shit! Language. Shit. No. We don't say that. Only Mommy says that word. She coined it. It belongs to her. Wait a second. No one else is going to deal with the fact that Cap just said language. What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me. Yes! Oh that worked a treat. Dude that was so crazy. How about that. Why shouldn't the guy let off a little steam? You know damn well why. Back off. Oh I'm starting to want you to make me. And for gosh sake watch your language. You walked right into this one I've dated hotter chicks than you. That's all you got. Cheap trick and a cheesy one liner. Sweetheart. That could be the name of my autobiography. You throw another moon at me and I'm gonna lose it. He wiped my face with a planet while the Bleecker Street magician gave away the store. Who just save your magical ass? Me. I seriously don't know how you fit your head into that helmet. I'm never one to shrink from an honest challenge. Can you give me a lift? Right. Better clench up Legolas. Clint, you've had a tough week. We won't hold it against you if you can't get it up. This usually works. Well performance issues not uncommon. One out of five. Platypus. C'mon sour patch. Don't be mad. You think I can't hold my own? We get through this, I'll hold your own. You had to make it weird. Yeah. I can fly. I'm the best. As always sir a great pleasure watching you work. Not this time. Not the face! It's good to be back. Are you Tony Stank? Yes. This is Tony Stank. You're in the right place. Thank you for that. Never dropping that by the way. Table for one Mr. Stank. Please by the bathroom. That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn't notice. But we did. BOOM! Hispanic Scott Baio. Oh I'm sorry is that me? Thumbelina do you copy? Kick start the cube. When did you become an expert on thermonuclear astrophysics? Last night. Alright. Hey. Alright. Good job guys. Alright just get over here please. Mr. Lord. Alright move it Stuart Little. One side there Lebowski. I'm going to stop you right Scott. Are you seriously telling me that your plan to save the universe is based on Back To The Future? No. Good. You had me worried there. Cause that would be horse shit. I don't like it. What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily. We're getting no help from Flash Gordon here. Thanks to the blue meanie. Tony. You are being uncharacteristically non-hyper-verbal. It's because he's already made up his mind. Boy, you know me so well. And you're all about style aren't you? Of the people in this room which one is A: wearing a spangly outfit. And B: not of use. You know what keeps going through my head. Where's my sandwich? So. You're the . . . Spider . . . ling. Crime-fighting Spider . . .you're Spider-Boy? Spider-Man. Not in that onesie, you're not. Don't do anything I would do. And definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do. There's a little gray area in there and that's where you operate. I'm sorry I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Do I look at the patch or the eye? Honestly I'm a bit hungover. Take him down now, huh? Steady, Crockett, there are people who handle this sort of thing. They look like bad guys. You're small but you're talking loud. I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. Don't cut me off when I'm complimenting you. Uh, Mr. Rogers. I almost forgot that that suit did nothing for your ass. No one asked you to look, Tony. It's ridiculous. Let the record reflect that I observed Mr. Hammer entering the chamber, and I am wondering if and when any actual expert will also be in attendance. Make your move Reindeer Games. Come to confess your sins? I don't know. How much time you got? You know what the more I think about it. My original wound. I'm fourteen years old and I still have a nanny. That was weird. Is...is that normal? Yes, this is normal! Sadly, that...is very normal. It's a big bunny, relax about it! Calm down! Don't forget. I'm half human. So that fifty percent of me that's stupid... that's a hundred percent you. Your math is blowing my mind. You happy now? Why are you up? Cause I got some important shit going on here. What do you think? Ooh. I'm decrypting nuclear codes and you don't want me to. Alright. You heard the man. Stroke those keys Jolly Green. You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark. Please leave a message. This is urgent. Then leave it urgently. You owe me a plane you know that right? Yeah well technically he hit me, so. You ever try shawarma? There's a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don't know what it is but I want to try it. Sir! I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the donut. We're not finished yet. And then shawarma after.