Nate Bargatze Stand-Up Monologue - SNL

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Nate Bargatze. Thank you. Thank you very much. That's very nice. Very excited to be back to Saturday Night Live. It's crazy. It's crazy. I, you know, from Nashville, went to, look at us. Yeah, we had a big day today. We, I'm, went to community college, and it's a big deal. There's community college. A lot of people do not know this, but community colleges, college when they're like, you're probably staying in your community. So we're going to show you the ropes around town. Kind of give you just a lay of the land. I took all remedial classes. I was there one year, zero credits. I was there the whole time. It's not good. I took speech as a class in college. I drove there with my friends. They were going to real classes and they'd go like business, math or something. I don't even know what a class is called because I was like, I'm going to speech. I think I'm a different part of the campus. We stay in the same room and our teachers rotate. How about you guys? I still say a lot of words wrong too. That's what I don't like with speech. Like, help me out. I say the word Ole like Ole like Ole, Ole. I don't even know how to O-I-L oil, motor oil, oil. Fix that. Southern Community college this should be mandatory that they fix that. They should write O-I-L on the board and be like, say that I go all I go, all right, we're going to take care of that. All right? There's a pretty good chance you're going to be working with a lot of that. I just had it where I said it. I was eating a pizza, and on the menu it said it had extra virgin olive oil on it. So I in my head and I read it like this, I was like, well, I don't know if I want extra virgin olive oil. So I don't know if I want any of it. You know, much less maybe I don't want, you know, so I go when it was my turn, I was like, I think I'll take a regular amount of virgin olive oil. And no one really knew what to say to that. I mean, I would know, and I know to make fun of it is because my friends go. Did you say regular amount of virgin olive oil? I go, yeah, I don't know why they're forcing extra on us. I'm sorry. It's I don't know a lot about food. All right. First time I had a raspberry. 40 years old. 40 years old. First time I had raspberry. I said it at the party. I was like, what is this? And they go the bowl. That's. That's how much they figured. Well, clearly, he knows what raspberry is. It makes more sense for him not to know what a bowl is. I didn't see raspberries growing up. You know I don't come from money. All right. I still swim with my eyes open. I love I love processed food. You know I love it. I'm a farm factory table guy, and. Always have been, you know? DOOR DASH is what's going to kill me. I mean, I don't know who I think I am. I ordered. I look at it at night like it's TINDER. Just scrolling through, seeing who's open. Just. Hey, Hardys. The audacity I have when I order it, I mean, I'm just laying there. I'm like, bring me a blizzard now. I want it right now. Lay it quietly on my porch. Don't let anybody in this house know I'm doing this. Cost three grand for this blizzard. Just go. All right, all right, I'll pay it. I'll pay it. I ordered it one night, so I get. I like McDONALD'S, and so I got a number one with no onions and McDONALD'S. They do have a McFlurry. But they only let you do one size. I don't care for that. So I was going to get a blizzard and I DOUBLE DASH IT it. So if you don't know, you can DOUBLE DASH IT and DOUBLE DASHING is when you just keep peppering the guy, you know, you're like, what else is open around you? You know, maybe go see if they got nerds in that gas station. So I so I ordered it, but for some reason, I thought it was gonna be the same guy, but they put it in two different drivers, so they separate it. Now, I'm, like, watching the GPS, and I'm like, they're going to come at the same time. Like, it's not. It's like my worst nightmare. So. And I look it, I need one of them to get in a wreck. It happens. I mean I see them both. They both make the turn at the same time. I'm mortified. The McDONALD'S comes in, drops it off. DAIRY QUEEN has to let him back out. He was just in the cul de sac, like I was having construction done at my house at 11:00 at night. He's just not go ahead. So the next time I did this, I figured, you know what, I'll just order it from two separate drivers. And that way I'm in control of when they come. So I ordered McDONALD'S, and then DAIRY QUEEN was close. Closed, ordered Sonic, Sonic blast and then Sonic. The thing was like, do you want make it a whole meal? And I was like, I guess if it's easier, you know, probably tax reasons and stuff. It's easier for Sonic. So ordered two full meals. McDONALD'S drops it off at my front door. Take a picture of my door. My front door. I couldn't have picked out of a lineup before DOOR DASH. Now I have 800 pictures of my front door. I get a picture of the Sonic. It's at a door I do not know. So I had a moment of just like, do I go? Do I go find it? Do I go get it? And I did, I went hunted it down. I walked in all the yards in my neighborhood. I was on every ring doorbell. Just like a raccoon. Just looking for all this food. All right, we've got a great show for you tonight. COLDPLAY is here, so stick around. We will be right back.