I have a career and a family, but also play poker. Which doesn't leave me much time. So let's get to it. I've got aces. But before we get to them? Context: One dumb hand with this donkey granted me the superpower of poker invincibility I can't stop winning. And for all I know, this power could last forever. That's unpossible! F**k you, Ralph. NOTHING'S unpossible. I've got aces. And after he limps in for five I raise to 25, small blind raises to 80, and I raise again to 250, small blind calls, despite what I've done to every pot I've so much as looked at. After this flop, I bet 200 and he calls, given a hand like pocket tens does beat ace-high. Problem is: I have two ace-highs. But after this turn and a bet of 450, I accidentally take off my impenetrable disguise at which point small blind is like ohhhhhhhh yeah oh yeah, now I see it. Turns out he did have pocket tens. How do I know? He told me. Why do I trust him? He's a friend of mine. More specifically: it's my boy, Ethan. No, not YOUR boy, Ethan. What's goin' on, you guys? It's your boy, Ethan. It's your boy, Ethan. It's your boy, Ethan. It's your boy, Ethan. No. MY boy, Ethan YOUR boy Ethan and MY boy Ethan couldn't be more different. For starters, YOUR boy Ethan is Asian. For MY boy Ethan, slap a Cauc on that Asian. And please don't Google that. MY boy Ethan is pragmatic with his earnings. YOUR boy Ethan handed a half a million dollars to an air-quotes investor named Dustin DaCloser who allegedly took every dime and DaClosed his DMs. And above all, YOUR boy Ethan is just a poker INFLUENCER. MY boy Ethan is actually good at, y'know, poker. That said, My Boy Ethan's pocket aces just got cracked by someone chasing a straight. So he is STEAMING. And even really good poker players can lose their edge once they've hit a certain level of Steam. And I'm slightly irritated that I just lost a quarter of my stack But let's verify my exact emotional status Okay. I'm at the Steamed Broccoli level That's not so bad. At least it's healthy. HO HO HO! 🎶 High Fiber! 🎶 And while I do feel bad for my friend that he's now Steamed Broccoli steamed, that won't stop me from going after every last drop of his cheddar. HO HO HO! 🎶 No Mercy! 🎶 I've got jack-ten. And the hand you're about to see is a cautionary tale...about a boat. No, Daddy. She's dead-wrong. And, in a few days, dead-DEAD. No, I don't mean a literal boat. This is poker, where a boat refers to a-- Exactly! Thank you, comically attractive street urchin. I raise to 15, and get called by My Boy Ethan and the big blind. And after this flop gives me-- --I bet 25 and they both call. And if I could hand-pick a turn card from G Deck, it would be a-- Jack... Jack. Jack!! JACK!!! Jahhhck! And lo and behold, jacks full. And if you listen to your friend Billy Zane, my hand is now watertight So I bet fifty, which, relative to the pot, is tiny. It's an amount that's all but begging someone to draw and even though I've got this hand locked up My Boy Ethan still calls. And after this river, I bet and he folds. Apparently, big blind flat-called preflop with ace-king!! Then he chased a gutshot to the nut straight. While My Boy Ethan had nine-eight, chasing a worse straight. Ethan... Ace-king could've been and WAS out there, so on the flop you thought you had eight outs but really you only had four. Hopefully not. 'Cause on the flop it's already an unwise chase But once the board pairs, there's a decent chance that-- in which case you're dead in the water. To be clear, if I've got a full house? Namely, by this turn it could be impossible for you to win the hand. YES... In this case... Always bear in mind that you could be drawing dead. And if so, you WILL NOT WIN. Okay.... Again, even if you river the bad straight, that might not be enough! Ughhhhh, Ethan... You're better than this. For the last time: In conclusion: Regardless of how steamed you are once the board pairs, you need to jump ship. I've got ace-king. And after My Boy Ethan raises to 20 and hijack calls and I raise to 75 and my boy raises again to 250 here's where I land: And Ethan had pocket kings. Ethan, look, I know. Everyone has felt that feeling. You're shocked, disappointed, annoyed, betrayed, bewildered But look at it this way: Given how scorching hot I am right now? You KNOW the run-out would've been this, this, this, or this. Instead I folded, spared you that agony, and you got to relocate three green chips from my stack to yours without breaking a sweat. I did you a FAVOR. Take my chips and enjoy them. 🎶 But only for now!! 🎶 🎶 FOR NOW! 🎶 🎶 Only for now!! 🎶 🎶 FOR NOW! 🎶 I've got jack-nine offsuit. And after My Boy Ethan raises to 20, and cutoff calls this Red Chip Poker preflop chart recommends a fold. But that chart runs counter to my Wait But What About Last Night? chart. Y'see, as explained in Part One of this series, last night's fateful poker game was a bloodbath where I couldn't catch a break, much to the amusement of everyone in attendance, like this guy and this guy and this gal and this guy and this guy. Oh yeah, and also this guy. And one of last night's hands technically cost me nothing 'Cause after a raise with ten-deuce by Doyle Brantzen I folded from the button with jack-nine. Who cares, right? I CARE. 'Cause then, Sashimi called from the big blind with ace-eight, then after this flop nobody bet a single chip, then: SON OF A B*****TCH! Just LOOK at that guy, all stoic and calm, with no discernable desire to flip over the table Hulk-style. Even less so on the river when chips start flying when Brantzen's got two pair and Sashimi's got a better two pair and I'm 100% not steamed as Cleveland. But tonight...? I call. And son of a b*tch... I check, My Boy Ethan bets 35, I check-raise to 125, and he calls. And after this turn, I bet 250, and he folds Sorry, my boy. Regret can be a cruel, irrational mistress. Oh and as for those chips that I lent you in the last hand? I'll take those. I've got kings And after I raise to 15 And My Boy Ethan makes it 55 And big blind cold-calls And I make it 200 And Ethan makes it his stack And I call, I wonder aloud whether I'm ahead. Translation: I'm ahead. And on this flop, I remain ahead. But Ethan's ecstatic about this turn. And after this river, since I lose to any spade sure seems like my win streak is finally over. Until I hear four words that imply otherwise. As my mountain of chips grows even more mountainous, My Boy sprints out of the room in agony and I feel his pain. That turn card was cold-blooded. And while I do love winning and winning and winning and winning... And while it's tempting to lock in, let it ride, and find out whether I've achieved poker immortality It hurts to see my friend hurting. So I stand up, cash out, find Ethan, tell him that tacos are on me, and we disappear into the Vegas night. 'Cause y'know what's more important than crushing at the poker table? Friendship. And tacos. Not necessarily in that order. But hey: That was one fun ride, right? And no matter what We'll always have the memories. All right... Let's go, kids. School bus.

I CAN'T STOP WINNING AT POKER - Series Finale (Episode 28)