Big Bench - SNL

>>> IN JUDGE KARLOTTA'S COURT, IF YOU DON'T FESS UP, YOU'RE, GOING TO GET MESSED UP., AND THE ONLY THING TOUGHER THAN. ONE JUDGE ON THE CASE IS THREE., AND THE ONLY THING TOUGHER THAN, THREE JUDGES IS TEN. BUT WHY STOP AT TEN WHEN YOU CAN, HAVE 17? YOU'RE WATCHING BIG BENCH.. >> ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE EVERYBODY., >> THANK YOU, BAILIFF.. COURT IS NOW IN SESSION., OKAY.. OKAY., HEY, WE DON'T ALL NEED TO BANG. OUR GAVELS. THEY HEAR IT., WE GOT A LOT OF CASES AND EVEN. MORE JUDGES.. SO LET'S START.. PLAINTIFF, PLEASE STATE YOUR, NAME., >> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. MY NAME IS ASHLEY JOURNS AND I'M, HERE TO SAY ONE THING AND ONE. THING ONLY, THAT MAN IS A THIEF., >> WHY WOULD I STEAL FROM HER? SHE'S BROKE AS HELL., >> HEY, THIS IS NOT A CIRCUS.. THIS IS A 17-JUDGE COURTROOM.. OKAY?, AND IF YOU WANT TO WIN TODAY, YOU GOT TO GET A UNANIMOUS, DECISION FROM EVERY JUDGE UP HERE., I'M JUDGE CARLOTTA., JUDGE TONKIN IS THE CRANKY ONE.. >> I DON'T GOT TIME FOR THIS. >> JUDGE HUNK IS THE CUTE ONE. >> I AM?, GOSH. >> JUDGE ALEJANDRO IS CUTE AND, LATIN. >> . >> AND JUDGE BEN, WELL, HE'S, GAY. >> IMAGINE THAT, A GAY JUDGE.. >> EXACTLY.,

NOW LET'S GET ON WITH IT.. MS. JOURNS, YOU SAID THIS MAN, STOLE SOMETHING FROM YOU. WHAT DID HE STEAL? >> MY HEART, MY CAR, AND MY. DISCOVERY CARD, BUT MOSTLY MY. HEART. >> OKAY., OKAY.. THIS IS JUICY., NOW YOU GOT MY ATTENTION., >> WHAT CAN I SAY, YOUR HONOR,, I'M A BAD BOY., >> OKAY, MR. PALEST ARMS ON, EARTH.. LET US BE THE JUDGE OF THAT. >> PLUS HER CAR IS WHACK AND HER. DISCOVER CARD IS MAXED., THIS IS VERY UNFAIR.. >> WHATEVER INJUSTICE YOU MAY. FEEL THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE GONE, THROUGH AS A JUDGE WHO IS ALSO A. GAY MAN. >> YOU'RE FINE.. SO MS. JOURNS, WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS MAN? >> I MET HIM AT MY SISTER'S WEDDING WHERE HE WAS MARRYING MY. SISTER., >> THIS IS JUICY AS HELL. HOW DOES YOUR SISTER FEEL ABOUT, THAT? >> ASK HER YOURSELF.. I BROUGHT HER WITH ME TODAY., >> I TOLD HER TO GO FOR IT. I JUST WANTED HIS ASS OUT OF THE. HOUSE., >> HANG ON., MA'AM, YOU CANNOT SMOKE IN HERE.. >> OH, I'M SO SORRY. >> OKAY. THESE PEOPLE ARE THE CRAZIEST. PEOPLE I'VE EVER SEEN, BUT I GOT. TO INTRODUCE SOME MORE JUDGES.. JUST BELOW ME IS JUDGE SHINER,, OUR SWEET SIMPLE PERVERT.. >> MAYBE EVERYBODY SHOULD JUST KISS.

>> NEXT TO HIM IS JUDGE TOOTIE, WHO WE HAD TO HIRE BECAUSE SHE'S JUDGE JUDY'S NIECE. >> HEY, DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. DO YOU KNOW WHO MY AUNT IS?, >> AND THAT'S JUDGE WANDA WHO. GOT HIT ON THE HEAD AND NOW. THINKS SHE'S ON SHARK TANK.. >> THE MARKET DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER HARD SELTZER, AND FOR THAT REASON, I'M OUT. >> DID I MENTION JUDGE BEN IS GAY?. >> A GAY JUDGE? WHAT'S NEXT, A DOG JUDGE?. >> WHY, YES, THAT IS NEXT., HOW YOU DOING, JUDGE WOOF? ALL RIGHT.. MS. JOURNS, WE'RE READY FOR YOUR FINAL STATEMENT.. >> WOW.. WHAT JUDGE WOOF JUST SAID JUST. STRUCK ME DEEP. I REALIZED NOBODY'S PERFECT. NOT EVEN ME., I'M GOING TO DROP THE CASE. >> WELL, THAT'S MAYBE THE NICEST THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME. >> NOW KISS?, >> NO, NO, NO. I THINK WE'RE READY TO RULE. >> GUILTY.. >> GUILTY.. >> CHIPOTLE., >> PANERA.. >> OKAY. I THINK WE ORDERING LUNCH NOW.. >> HAMBURGER MARY'S., >> AND PANERA IT IS. NOW WE END THE SHOW LIKE WE. ALWAYS DO, WITH THE WAVE. >> WHOO!, >> COURT'S DISMISSED. GO ON AND SHOW THE LOGO. >> BIG BENCH..